Review Of 2/3 Of A Movie

While I was stuck in Hellhole, Virginia last week, I decided to kill and hour and a half watching “Alien Vs. Predator.”

Yes, I know, I know, that’s time out of my life that I’ll never get back. But bear with me.


As it turned out, I only spent about an hour viewing “AVP,” since Fandango was half an hour off on the showtime, and the girl at the window didn’t tell me the movie had long-since started when I bought my ticket.

Turns out, that mistake was the best move I made all day. I walked into the flick just after what was apparently many, many minutes of mind-numbing exposition (c’mon, why bother–it’s an expoitative monster movie made for no reason other than some Hollywood yahoo figuring it would pay off in the DVD market), and just before the action got started.

I didn’t miss the preliminaries one bit. I didn’t need to know why the heck these cardboard characters were exploring a mysterious 1,000 foot hole that’d been suddenly cut in the Antarctic ice–I knew why they were there before I bought the ticket. They were there to be Alien Chow! Next!

Okay, “AVP” is a deeply silly movie, combining (among other things), Erich von D

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22 Responses to “Review Of 2/3 Of A Movie”

  1. Gamer Says:

    Is it really possible to have a “healthy” dose of H.P. Lovecraft?

  2. bob Says:

    Coincidentally, here is an excerpt from Bush’s speech at the UN a couple of days ago,

    “Well, I don’t give a flying phooey what the polls say about AvP. I believe it is time we send a man to Mars. In fact, if we send anyone, it will be my good friend, Bob, who deserves more than Cheney, even. You can find his harrowing yet inspiring journal at http://www.sendbobtomars.com and it’s a darn good read, y’all.”

    Thanks, Dubya. Right back at ya.

  3. leelu Says:

    Sometimes, ya just gotta watch cartoons.

    Not all cartoons are animated. I came to this realization when I sat thru the ’80s version of Flash Gordon (“Flash!! Ah-aa!!”) It was painfully obvious that this was *NOT* a Serious Movie. It was a cartoon with live actors. Once i figured that out, I felt better.

    Exactly like one of Gov. Schwarteznegger’s early ones – “The Villain”, aka “Cactus Jack”.

    Best bit:

    Ann Margaret: “What’s your name?”

    Gov:” Handsome Stranger.”

    AM: “That’s an odd name.”

    Gov:”I was named after my father.”

  4. Jeff the Baptist Says:

    “Is it really possible to have a ‘healthy’ dose of H.P. Lovecraft?”

    So true, I’ve played enough Call of Cthulu to know that blowing your nose in a Lovecraftian universe makes you lose sanity points…

  5. El-ahrairah AKA the Gungy Guide Says:

    I saw the first half-hour and I kind of liked the film. I wanted to see a movie full of gratuitious violence and blood and gore with no plot to get in the way of the story, and Bingo! that’s what I got. I wasn’t looking for Oscar winning performances.

  6. bkw Says:

    The fact that it was PG13 actually cut down on the gore. I mean, how many times do you really need to see someone’s torso explode?

    Maybe I’m just getting squeemish in my old age, but frankly, I thought the movie was better for the lack or gore.

  7. Randy Says:

    Great review. I love movies like that.

  8. daniel Says:

    two sequels are in the works:

    BOURNE versus Predator,
    or
    “BvP”

    and FREDDY versus Predator
    or
    FvP”

    or was that ALIEN?????

    Or was that JASON?????

  9. daniel Says:

    only kidding. but would n;t it be cool and cooly surreal if Hollywood merged the genres that way?

    It would be the ultimnate movie franchise shark-jump of all time…
    topping even
    “mothra versus godzilla”

  10. Nylarthotep Says:

    I’m a bit skeptical about the Lovecraftian similarities. The first Alien movie could definitely be a modern Lovecraft. But from there, Ia ia ummmm I’m not there.

    Is there some big controlling alien to be Kuthulu? I never get the feeling of that unseen evil presence. I guess I’ll take your word for it until I can see the movie.

    Of course, The presidential debates will be much more horrifying than either Lovecraft of the Alien series.

  11. Dave Justus Says:

    I wasn’t too impressed with this movie (sadly I saw the entire thing) I wasn’t expecting much, but I felt that I got even less than that.

    Even the fight scenes were a disappointment. It looked like there might have been cool action going on, but when you have a dark alien fighting a dark predator in the dark it is pretty hard to tell.

    The scene with the Predator spearing the Queen Alien was cool though.

  12. grayson Says:

    Madness. ‘Tis madness.

  13. grayson Says:

    http://www.hello-cthulhu.com/?date=2003-11-30

    Sorry. Link didn’t go.

  14. Mike M Says:

    What’s going on here? The site is redesigned in a Sky Captain motif and we avoid discussion of the movie? (probably the only slightly interesting thing to come out of Hollywwod this year?)

    Come on!!

  15. Sandy P Says:

    I saw the 1953 War of the Worlds on TV when I was 6 or so.

    It still creeps me out.

    That and original The Haunting of Hill House. That door being pounded on, punching a hole thru and when the door is opened, nothing on the other side.

    Alien, tho, HS boyfriend. We went out w/the gang, the male who chose it was not known for his stellar movie choices. 45 minutes into it, bored, bored, bored. The comments under our breath, Gary chose another one. Then the fun begins.

    Alien was 4 stars, Alien II, mass-produced. Too many, overkill.

    But stay frosty!

  16. j.pickens Says:

    Holy Alien, Batman!
    The cross-genre thing has been tried already.

    Check out this video:

    http://www.theforce.net/theater/shortfilms/batman_deadend/

  17. Alvar N.C. de Vaca Says:

    AVP was a great movie! I went to see it, at his request, with my wife’s 10-year-old grandson. (She went with her granddaughter to see the Princess Diaries 2.) Not to give away the plot, but having the last Predator standing team up with the last human left was a great touch. And it demonstrated why you sometimes need to work with less than perfect allies. Also, when you see the film with a 10-year-old, you can really get into a serious discussion of whether the aliens are really a match for the Predators or not. It’s great that we’ve had Jason vs Freddy at least once. Like King Kong vs Godzilla. And I think Bourne Vs Predator is a great idea. What do you mean, crossing genres? Let’s see how aliens would do against balrogs. Send a legion of orcs against the Predators. Drop a couple of Predators in Fallujah and see what happens. Or aliens.

  18. Major John Says:

    I logged onto the Vodkapundit and as I cast my eyes upon the banner of his site – I noticed that THE GEOMETRY WAS ALL WRONG….ahhhh!

  19. Alpaca Burger Forum Says:

    Links O’ The Day: It’s just good links

    Links of interest, each carefully selected to enhance your life powerfully yet incrementally.

  20. Prague Says:

    Aw, come on, it was hilarious, as long as you didn’t have any expectations at all.

    It turned halfway into a love story anyway, with that chick looking all googly-eyed at the Predator. “NOOOO! Don’t leave me!”

    And I’m sorry, but I just can’t be scared of something that looks like Darth Vader with dreadlocks.

  21. Mirthful Ones Says:

    Linky Love Is Almost As Good As Sex….

    ….but not quite. Alright–rarely will anyone admit this, but I really get off on looking at link placement on blogs. Kinda juvenile, but hey….it feels daaaamn good. Such as today, when I popped over to Martini Pundit, and can I

  22. dorkafork Says:

    “Aliens vs. Predator vs. Rocky”
    “Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Aliens”
    “Ernest vs. Predator” Now that would be a battle royale, knowwhutimean?

    “Predator Down Under”
    “Aliens Go to College”

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