Things To Do In Orlando When You’re Stuck

The Top 10 Things To Do In The Orlando Airport When Your Flight Home Is Delayed:

10. Mercilessly mock every touron wearing tacky Disney attire (warning: target-rich environment; you will exhaust yourself in fairly short order).
9. Mooch off of the in-airport Hyatt’s free Wi-Fi to make snarky blog posts.
8. Read Lileks.
7. Curse Delta Airlines.
6. Laugh at pretentious failed college football coaches with martyr complexes who now work for ESPN because nobody else will hire them.
5. Beyotch about the lousy cell phone coverage.
4. Lust after the dozens of friggin’ huge plasma displays that are an outrageous waste of money in an airport, but which would look great in my living room.
3. Listen to the Hugh Hewit show that you ripped onto your iPod with Audio Hijack last night.
2. Wonder how much damage your 12-year-old lab and two-year-old nephew have done to your house in the last 24 hours.

… and the Number One Thing To Do In The Orlando Airport When Your Flight Home Is Delayed:

1. Hold a Black Mass in the airport atrium to inflict a horde of flesh-eating locusts upon Delta Airlines and all its works.

UPDATE: The “1:17PM” flight, which was first moved to 2:30, and then 3:15, is now the 3:45, and the 2:05 flight is so overbooked, the gate agent admits, “You’ll never get on that one.”

Heck, why should I have all the fun? You can track my misadventures yourself right here!

Anybody got a first-edition of the Necronomicon handy? I need something particularly eldritch, hideous and nameless here.

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32 Responses to “Things To Do In Orlando When You’re Stuck”

  1. Phil Says:

    What happened that your trip sucked?

  2. Stephen Green Says:

    I flew Delta once, Will. I’m still not sure I ever made it home.

    On the other hand, TWA used to make a sport out of losing my luggage. Nothing like going to a fancy dinner, wearing the same jeans & sweater you wore all day on the plane.

    Trans-World went bust and I laughed and laughed and laughed. No black mass, though – I was out of candles.

  3. Brian Tiemann Says:

    Delta is still in business?

  4. David Says:

    Well I have flown most of the biggies and now I only fly Southwest (‘cept if I cant use them) as they actually work on solving problems.

  5. Will Collier Says:

    Actually, as bad as Delta is, they’re still pikers compared to their puddle-jumper subsidiary, ASA, which is known throughout the South as “Always Stuck in Atlanta” or “Absolutely Shitty Airlines.” When I lived in Panama City, I was on a first-name basis with the guy who delivered their late luggage.

    Incidentally, my 1:17 flight, which had been bumped back to 2:30, is now a 3:15 (estimated!) takeoff–meaning even if it does leave “on time,” I’ll hit Atlanta just in time for Friday rush hour.

    Oh, joy.

  6. Will Collier Says:

    Now it’s 3:45.

    CURSE YOU, DELTA!!!

  7. gb_in_ga Says:

    David:

    Well, I always used to fly SouthWest ’till I moved here to Atlanta. Unfortunately, SWA doesn’t fly here, I’d have to drive to Birmingham, and that’s way too much of a hassle. Now, why isn’t SWA here? A little birdy told me that one certain large dinosaur of an airline based here in Atlanta which I shall not name but has repeatedly come up in this comment thread has thrown their sizeable weight at the powers that be to squash any chance of getting terminal space here.

    Not that SWA hasn’t lost my luggage, because they did. At least they were nice about it — this one time my wife and I had flown into Cleveland, and SWA lost our luggage. We had to leave to Sandusky and couldn’t wait around — Cedar Point beckoned. SWA actually sent out a driver with our luggage and delivered it to our hotel. That was mighty nice of them.

  8. Howard McEwen Says:

    You are not making me feel good. I leave on Delta at an undisclosed time soon from Cincinnati to Orlando with wife and 7 & 3 year old.
    Yikes…
    You know what would be neat: Scrawl “Dear Howard, Delta Sucks” on a seat and then next week I can go read it and say, “Hey, I’m Howard.” Then I can scrawl, “You so bitchin’, Vodkapundit.
    Yeah, that would be fun.

  9. Mel Says:

    Another thing Delta stands for:
    Don’t Expect Luggage To Arrive!

  10. Devon Price Says:

    I sympathize with you. Living and working in Orlando, I suffer with the necessity of having to take Delta to Atlanta. Thank goodness that I usually fly west and there is Frontier and Southwest airlines. BTW, I’m at work, at lunch, and only about one mile from where you are sitting. I read you every day and if I’d known you were here, I’d have come out to see you.

    Devon

  11. McGehee Says:

    We flew Delta to Anchorage last month because they had our frequent-credit-card-user miles, but we had to use Alaska Airlines to reachy Fairbanks because Delta abandoned Fairbanks in the last few years. And in Anchorage, Delta is the only domestic airline that isn’t in the new terminal. We had to leave the security zone, go out of the building, and catch a shuttle bus, and go back through security to catch a less-then-an-hour flight to Fairbanks.

    We’re going to set up our miles plan with some other airline, but we haven’t decided which.

  12. Mark Says:

    Terry Bowden works for ESPN? heh.

    Actually, ABC owns ESPN, or something to that effect, so maybe that is right!

  13. Paul B Says:

    6. Laugh at pretentious failed college football coaches with martyr complexes who now work for ESPN because nobody else will hire them.

    Ron Zook got picked up by ESPN? Man don’t tease a Gator fan like that.

  14. denise Says:

    http://www.airtran.com/destinations/routemap/index.jsp

  15. wRitErsbLock Says:

    Well, at least you picked a nice “cool for Florida” day to be here.
    Welcome to Orlando. I’d much rather be stuck at the airport – drinking – than here at work.

  16. Ian Wood Says:

    Summon ” “.

    That always gets ’em.

  17. Laurence Simon Says:

    Traveling by Delta is like Russian Roulette. You know they’ll go bankrupt while you’re in transit.

  18. Kristian Says:

    “Listen to the Hugh Hewit show that you ripped onto your iPod with Audio Hijack last night.”

    Beware, you typed Hijak in an airport, you may already be on your way to TSA Detention!

  19. Elizabeth Says:

    I’m a native to Colorado – transplanted to the Orlando area and a regular reader of this blog. I dislike sitting at OIA – just as you. Usually I people watch, count grays, beards, people with scowls and people who smile – etc…
    Hope the flight is better than the wait. 🙂

  20. Mark Says:

    Will,

    Per your request, the following website has numerous spells from the Necronomicon, perhaps the, “Conjuration of the Dead God” would be handy. http://www.ping.de/sites/systemcoder/necro/ritual.htm

  21. tree hugging sister Says:

    I have a copy of Giger’s Necronomicon, if that’s any consolation. We can scan a gruesome drawing and link to it for you. As pissed as you are, you might be able to figure out just WTF Giger was smoking when he scribbled. I mean, just a thought, n’est pas?

  22. DRB Says:

    Howard, no offense — but *please* don’t be one of those people who bring 3-year olds onto an airplane.

    I think there’s some special rule that such children will always be 1) crying & irritable and 2) sitting very close to me.

  23. Nony Mouse Says:

    Can you hold off on the locusts until my flight leaves in three hours? They can take over MCO after that, for all I care.

  24. erp Says:

    Hey. Watch those spells. You’re not the only one taking Delta.

  25. Becky in Ohio Says:

    First off, mu hubby is a professional musician. There isn’t an airline (or airport) he hasn’t dealt with. Hands down, TWA was the worst. They canceled a flight (Thanskgiving Day, I might add) and didn’t call. America West tops my personal list for EXTREMELY bad service (read manners). Last count, Delta hasn’t been too bad for delays, but they lost his guitar once (THAT was a nerve racking 18 hours). US AIR is EXCELLENT for when you want to volunteer to give up a seat (or 2 or 3) and get free round trip travel. We made 3 trips off one tickets from getting bumped (still have yet to use the last one). I would hazard a reasonb for your delay: The other Delta hub here in Cincinnati has bad weather. Could be the reason….

  26. jag Says:

    When you listen to Bill Curry, Lee Corso and Mike Gotfried talk about college football you wonder how these guys ever won a single game…then you realize they’re plenty more like them (or worse) still coaching.

    No wonder a guy like Lou Holtz can go just about anywhere and win….his competition is a joke.

  27. Michael Tinkler Says:

    I’m happy to see you’re inflight – assuming you made the flight!

  28. Alasdair Says:

    DRB – I’m one of those who traveled with rugrats … when they were younger … a 4yr old and an 18 mth old … then a 7 yr old and a 4 yr old and an 18 mth old … then an 11.5 yr old and a 9 yr old and a 6 yr old and an 18 mth old …

    By then, we found out what was causing ’em, so the 4th is our last …

    The *only* time any of ’em was allowed to get out of hand was on British Airways, which is 8usually* an excellent airline, except that this one flight (LAX to LHR) apparently was a requalification flight for the very senior stewardesses … and they didn’t want to actually *do* anything … so, after the *fourth* try to get some milk for the younger kids to settle ’em down with full tummies for the long flight, we looked at each other, and encouraged the two littlest to “go exploring” …

    They happily wandered off in two different directions, being happy and bubbly and cheerful and friendly … one towards 1st class, the other towards the back of the plane …

    A little later, two different-yet-cranky senior stewardesses brought them back … we asked if they had been causing any problems … they had to say no … and they still (silly folk) insisted that we shouldn’t let ’em “run loose” … so we (and those near us) pointed out we had tried 4 times to get some milk, but, for some reason, no stewardesses had responded …

    Amazingly enough, milk materialised instantaneously, and, from then on, our area got immediate rservice whenever we needed it … several fellow travellers noted the technique for future reference …

    Kids can be brats – but only if parents/adults let ’em … kids are *very* easy to keep happy while traveling …

    (bigger grin) My kids have had *way* more problems with whiny irritable adults on long flights than said adults have had with any of my kids …

  29. Howard McEwen Says:

    DRB,
    Sorry, but this will be my kids first flight. They are not frequest fliers. My plan is to pinch my 3-year really hard right at take-off and tell the 7-year old that yes, we are going to Orlando, but only for the convention center, no mouse ears for you.
    This way they will cry real long and loud and by the time we land will be ready for a nap.
    Please remember to say hi.
    Howard

  30. Eric Sivula Says:

    Sorry, Will, no first edition of the Al-Azif, but I do have a John Dee translation around here somewhere…..

    Just summon a Byhakee. It will driv ethe Delta folks nuts AND get home in record time.

    But do NOT summon He Who Shall Not Be Named. He is a dick of the first order. He eats everybody BUT the person you intended.

    Yog-Sothoth, on the other hand, is both master of time AND a conscientious consumer of sacrifices.

    Hope this primer into choosing the correct Mythos entity has been helpful.

  31. Great Auk Says:

    As the popular saying gose ITS HARD TO FLY LIKE A EAGLE WHEN YOUR WORKING FOR TURKEYS and just look and the TSA and all its dumb buricrats and i agree with the #10 idea mocking all this dumb disney itire and the rich enviromentalists i mean just think of all that wildlife area that once existed where disney world now is

  32. Dave in Texas Says:

    Sigh. I remember when flying was actually fun. That gravy train has left the station.

    I still get some love from American, but it’s just not the same as it used to be.

    Last week I got up at 3am in Portland, just so I could change flights (and carriers) at LAX to get back to DFW. Two trips through security with 300 other happy travelers.

    “sucked” doesn’t begin to describe this experience.

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